Why Self-Control Matters
When kids melt down in the middle of a crowded store, at a holiday dinner with extended family, or at home, it can be extremely frustrating. But parents can help kids learn self-control and teach them how to respond without just acting on impulse.
Teaching self-control is one of the most important things that parents can do for their kids because these skills are some of the most important for success later in life.
Helping Kids Learn Self-Control
By learning self-control, kids can make appropriate decisions and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive outcomes.
For example: If you say that you're not serving ice cream until after dinner, your child may cry, plead, or even scream in the hopes that you will give in. But with self-control, your child can understand that a temper tantrum means you'll take away the ice cream for good and that it's wiser to wait patiently.
Here are age-specific suggestions on how to help kids learn to control their behavior:
Age-Specific Strategies
Up to Age 2
Infants and toddlers get frustrated by the large gap between the things they want to do and what they're able to do. They often respond with temper tantrums.
- • Try to prevent outbursts by distracting your little one with toys or other activities
- • For kids reaching the 2-year-old mark, try a brief time-out in a designated area — like a kitchen chair or bottom stair — to show the consequences for outbursts
- • Teach that it's better to take some time alone instead of throwing a tantrum
Ages 3 to 5
- • You can continue to use time-outs, but rather than setting a specific time limit, end time-outs when your child calms down
- • This helps kids improve their sense of self-control
- • It's just as important to praise your child for not losing control in frustrating or difficult situations
- • Say things like, "I like how you stayed calm" or "Good job keeping your cool"
Ages 6 to 9
As kids enter school, they're better able to understand the idea of consequences and that they can choose good or bad behavior.
- • It may help your child to imagine a stop sign that must be obeyed and think about a situation before responding
- • Encourage your child to walk away from a frustrating situation for a few minutes to cool off instead of having an outburst
- • Praise kids when they do walk away and cool off — they'll be more likely to use those skills in the future
Ages 10 to 12
Older kids usually better understand their feelings. Encourage them to think about what's causing them to lose control and then analyze it.
- • Explain that sometimes situations that are upsetting at first don't end up being so awful
- • Urge kids to take time to think before responding to a situation
- • Help them to understand that it's not the situation that's upset them — it's what they think about the situation that makes them angry
- • Compliment them as they use their self-control skills
Ages 13 to 17
By now kids should be able to control most of their actions. But remind teens to think about long-term consequences.
- • Urge them to pause to evaluate upsetting situations before responding
- • Talk through problems rather than losing control, slamming doors, or yelling
- • If necessary, discipline your teen by taking away certain privileges to reinforce the message that self-control is an important skill
- • Allow them to earn the privileges back by demonstrating self-control
When Kids Are Out of Control
Stay Calm and Firm
As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to yell when you're disciplining your kids. Instead, be firm and matter of fact. During a child's meltdown, stay calm and explain that yelling, throwing a tantrum, and slamming doors are unacceptable behaviors that have consequences — and say what those consequences are.
Your actions will show that tantrums won't get kids the upper hand. For example, if your child gets upset in the grocery store after you've explained why you won't buy candy, don't give in — demonstrating that the tantrum was both unacceptable and ineffective.
Work with Schools
Consider speaking to your child's teachers about classroom settings and appropriate behavior expectations. Ask if problem-solving is taught or demonstrated in school.
Model Good Self-Control
Model good self-control yourself. If you're in an irritating situation in front of your kids, tell them why you're frustrated and then discuss potential solutions to the problem.
For example: If you've misplaced your keys, instead of getting upset, tell your kids the keys are missing and then search for them together. If they don't turn up, take the next constructive step (like retracing your steps). Show that good emotional control and problem solving are the ways to deal with a difficult situation.
Seek Professional Help
If you continue to have difficulties, ask your doctor if family counseling sessions might help.
Key Strategies for Teaching Self-Control
Set Clear Expectations
Establish consistent rules and boundaries. Children need to understand what behaviors are expected and what the consequences will be.
Use Positive Reinforcement
Praise and reward children when they demonstrate self-control. Positive attention reinforces good behavior.
Teach Coping Strategies
Help children learn techniques like deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a break when they feel overwhelmed.
Be a Role Model
Demonstrate self-control in your own behavior. Children learn by watching how you handle frustration and stress.
Provide Choices
Give children age-appropriate choices to help them practice decision-making and feel a sense of control.
Be Consistent
Consistency in rules and consequences helps children understand expectations and develop self-control.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Q: What if my child doesn't respond to these strategies?
A: Every child is different, and some may need more time or different approaches. Be patient and consistent. If your child continues to struggle significantly, especially if it's affecting their daily life, relationships, or school performance, consult your child's pediatrician or a child psychologist for additional support.
Q: Is it normal for children to lack self-control sometimes?
A: Yes, it's normal for children to have difficulty with self-control at times, especially when they're tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. Developing self-control is a process that takes time and practice.
Q: How long does it take for children to learn self-control?
A: Learning self-control is an ongoing process throughout childhood and adolescence. With consistent guidance and practice, you should see gradual improvement over time.
Q: What if I lose my temper when teaching self-control?
A: It's normal for parents to feel frustrated. If you lose your temper, take a moment to calm down, then model self-control by apologizing if needed and explaining how you're going to handle the situation differently. This shows kids that self-control is a skill everyone works on.
Key Takeaways
Be Patient
Self-control develops over time with practice and maturity.
Be Consistent
Consistent expectations and consequences help children learn.
Praise Efforts
Acknowledge and celebrate when children show self-control.
⚠️ Important Note
This article provides general information and is not intended to replace professional parenting or medical advice. If your child has persistent difficulties with self-control that significantly affect their daily life, relationships, or school performance, consider consulting with your child's pediatrician or a qualified mental health professional for evaluation and support.