Groups vs. Cliques
Friendship is an important part of kids' development. Having friends helps them be independent beyond the family and prepares them for the mutual, trusting relationships we hope they'll form as adults.
Groups of friends are different from cliques in some important ways.
Groups of Friends
- • Form based on things kids have in common (sports, activities, classes, neighborhoods, family connections)
- • Members are free to socialize and hang out with others outside the group
- • They may not do everything together — and that's OK
- • Focus on shared values and beliefs
Cliques
- • Tight groups with strict code of membership and ways to act
- • Do most things together
- • Focus on maintaining status and popularity
- • May try to make it seem like they're "better" than those outside
Why Do Kids Join Cliques?
Cliques attract kids for different reasons:
Social Status
For some kids, being popular or cool is most important, and cliques give them a place where they can get this social status.
Fear of Being Left Out
Other kids want to join because they don't want to feel left out.
Control and Leadership
Cliques give kids who like to take control a chance to be in charge (for good or bad). They're usually tightly controlled by leaders who decide who's "in" and who's "out."
Clear Rules for Followers
For children who feel more comfortable following, cliques offer a place where rules are clearly defined.
Interesting Note: Kids who seem likeable and popular may actually be excluded from a clique. Their personality or confidence may pose a threat to the leader. They might not be a good "follower" — especially if they're popular enough on their own. Sometimes their friends may even be invited to join instead.
Why Do Kids Follow a Clique's Leader?
Members of the clique usually follow the leader's rules, whether it's wearing certain clothes or doing a type of activity. Cliques usually involve lots of rules — implied or clearly stated — and intense pressure to follow them.
Most members cling to the leader not out of true friendship but because they want to keep their position in the group. Kids in cliques often worry about:
- • Whether they'll still be popular
- • Whether the group will drop them for doing or saying the wrong thing
- • Whether they'll be excluded if they don't dress in a certain way
This can create a lot of pressure.
When Do Cliques Cause Problems?
For most kids, the preteen and teen years are a time to figure out how they want to fit in and how they want to stand out. It's natural for kids to occasionally feel insecure; long to be accepted; and hang out with the kids who seem more attractive, cool, or popular.
But cliques can cause long-lasting trouble when:
• Kids behave in a way they feel conflicted about or know is wrong to please a leader and stay in the group
• Kids are pushed into buying expensive clothing or getting involved in teasing and gossip (in-person or online)
• Kids are forced to take risks like stealing or pulling pranks
• A group becomes an antisocial clique or a gang that has unhealthy rules, like weight loss, or that bully or threaten others based on looks, disabilities, race, or ethnicity
• A child is rejected by a group and feels excluded and alone
Important: Cliques are often at their most intense in middle school, but problems with cliques can start as early as 4th and 5th grades.
How Can Parents Help?
As your child navigates friendships and cliques, there's plenty you can do to offer support:
Talk About Your Experiences
Talk about your own experiences with school and cliques. Share stories about how you navigated social situations growing up.
Explain Clique Dynamics
Explain that clique leaders probably worry as much about being popular and accepted as outsiders. Help your child understand that cliques are often about insecurity, not superiority.
Use Books and Movies
Find books about friendship and cliques that kids can relate to like:
- • "Blubber" by Judy Blume
- • Movies like "Mean Girls" and "Angus"
Use these as conversation starters to discuss cliques and friendships.
Encourage Extracurricular Activities
Get your child involved in extracurricular activities like:
- • Art classes
- • Sports
- • Martial arts
- • Language study
- • Volunteering
These offer chances to make friends outside of school and are based on common interests.
Encourage Healthy Friendships
Encourage your child to have healthy friendships and not get too caught up in cliques. Teach kids to:
- • Be sensitive to others
- • Not always go along with a group
- • Think independently
- • Value true friendship over popularity
You can explain that cliques can change quickly and making true friends is what's important. The real secret to being popular is for kids to be the kind of friend they'd like to have.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Q: How do I know if my child is in a clique or just a group of friends?
A: Key differences: Groups of friends allow members to socialize with others outside the group, while cliques are more exclusive. Groups form around shared interests or activities, while cliques focus on status and popularity. In cliques, there's often pressure to conform to strict rules about appearance, behavior, and who you can be friends with. If your child seems stressed about fitting in or is excluding others, they may be in a clique.
Q: What should I do if my child is being excluded from cliques?
A: This can be very painful for children. Here's how to help:
- • Validate their feelings — being excluded hurts
- • Help them understand that cliques are often about insecurity, not about them
- • Encourage them to develop friendships outside of school through activities
- • Help them build self-confidence and remind them of their strengths
- • Work with teachers or school counselors if the exclusion involves bullying
- • Remind them that true friends value them for who they are
Q: Should I intervene if my child is in a problematic clique?
A: Yes, if the clique is causing problems:
- • Your child is being pressured to do things they know are wrong
- • They're engaging in harmful behaviors (bullying, risky activities)
- • They're becoming someone they're not
- • Their values are being compromised
Talk to your child about your concerns, help them understand the problems, and consider involving school counselors or other professionals if needed.
Q: How can I help my child avoid joining problematic cliques?
A: Help them by:
- • Building their self-confidence and self-worth
- • Encouraging diverse friendships and activities
- • Teaching them to value true friendship over popularity
- • Helping them develop strong values and the courage to stand up for them
- • Maintaining open communication so they feel comfortable talking to you
- • Modeling healthy friendships and social interactions in your own life
Key Takeaways
Know the Difference
Groups of friends are healthy; cliques can be problematic
Open Communication
Talk to your child about their social experiences
Value True Friendship
Help kids understand that true friends are what matter
⚠️ Important Note
This article provides general information and is not intended to replace professional parenting or mental health advice. If your child is experiencing significant social difficulties, bullying, or emotional distress related to cliques or social groups, consider consulting with your child's school counselor, pediatrician, or a qualified mental health professional for support and guidance.